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:: Sunday, May 26, 2002 ::
well thank goodness blogspot.com isnt' run by hotmail or this would all be GONE by now. Hmph. Sorry I've been away so long, just getting my self in order. And now I'm meant to be watching brothers and foster brothers and such. And at some graduation parties? Goodness.
Zak is nagging at my to get off the computer; must get own computer a modem, to connect to internet. . . dah
*trying to ignore little borther* okay, anyway, call me, write me, anything? I'm somewhat lonely at home; everyone's busy, has their lives and wants me to do something for them. I'm not complaining; it's just that I don't feel like I have a life so how can I turn them down?
ohohoh everyone needs to go to Shockwave.com before I forget, and watch the "Army of One" video. It made my day. But then everyone knows how easily amused Madeleine is. . .
I don't know if I'll be able to survive Memorial Day. I mean, I'm so lucky to have all those people willing to die so that I could be where I am right now, but they day only smites me with how senseless and useless it all is. My dad's parents were both in the Navy; my grandmother was a WAVE for goodness sake. But I don't want anyone to die for me. Not Jesus, not a Marine, not a NYC firefighter. They don't have to. Why must it be all shoved in my face, because I'm a pacfist somehow I'm an ungrateful intellectual who can't appreciate the sacrifices people made, even of their own lives. Maybe I lack an appreciation of the "United States" or democracy or patriotism. Maybe I'm full of nonsense. But what is the US besides a random gathering of individuals, each trying to make it on their own? It's not sacred or ideal or even better than elsewhere. Grr. I'm sorry, I'll stop. I just hate that Bush says if I'm not with him, I'm with the terrorists. I'm not with anybody!!
On a side note, Libby and I are thinking of moving to Switzerland, where I can start a collective organic farm and she can meet lots of boys. Can you even farm it Switzerland? I don't care. Anyone care to join us?
:: Madeleine :: 4:45 PM [+] ::
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:: Saturday, May 11, 2002 ::
do you know how weird it is to cry when you're going to the bathroom? it's an interesting sensation. . .
and that's something else. There's no place to cry in Miller. I think Marley or Libby pointed this out. I mean, it's a wonderful house, but there's nowhere to be alone. Not that I need to be most of the time. If I do, I go to bed. Even then you're not alone. 24 girls breathing and snoring and talking in their sleep.
I don't know, am I really moodly lately or are my hormones tripping? does it matter anyway? I'm tired of smiling when I don't want to. If I don't I have to explain myself. don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I think communal living is finally getting to me. Good thing I'm going home in a couple days.
Why do people drift apart? How can you be so close to someone and let them fall out of your life? Were they not that important to you anyway? Did you find someone better? Or are we just lazy? Too caught up in our own little worl to realize there are others who need us? I will always try harder to keep up with you all. I miss each and every one of you, and love you even more than that.
:: Madeleine :: 11:33 PM [+] ::
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you know what's the comforting thing about on-line babbling? it doesn't even matter to me if anyone reads this. Just knowing I got my thoughts out there makes me fell better.
So I need to study for finals, which I will embark on shortly. first, I have to ramble a little.
you know what never ceases to amaze me? How the right music can change my mood. it's phenomenal. it pisses me off sometimes too, when I just want to sit and be grumpy. but today I'm all about being upbeat. Finals are not fun, and I'm just making my life worse by putting them off. I mean, it's Saturday!! I should be jumping up and down. school is almost over!! The end is in sight!
Okay, I'll try not to complain too much. It's just my stupid insecurity that I can't really do anything right. I can't really help anyone, or truly make them happy, or even do the things I need to do to get though the day. I know everyone goes through this and I should just deal with it, but is that really the right answer? I mean, I'm being serious about something I haven't even really defined. Yet are most people genuinely happy? Even mostly happy? Are you happy?
I'm happy. I think I'm just a happy person. Even when I'm sad or depressed, I have that silly inner happiness core that never seems to be penetrated. But I forget what I'm happy about! Life, mostly. Tastes and sounds and colors and smells and touches. Feelings. I never said life wasn't perception. Sometimes I just think there might be more. Other times I don't know.
:: Madeleine :: 2:49 PM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, May 07, 2002 ::
It is wrong to be tired of apologizing? I feel like I'm always apologizing to someone for something. Can one person possibly make that many mistakes? I'm tired.
But thank goodness lots of people are giving me good quotes for the Miller Tshirt. I can't believe it's my design. How crazy is that? Little old me.
I do feel little and old. I want to know where my life is going. I feel like I'm zooming forward to . . . mediocracy? I don't even know if I spelled that correctly. Grr.
Okay, okay, enough babbling. My life isn't that bad. I mean, I just ate a whole-wheat bagel with whipped cream cheese. It doesn't get much better than that.
:: Madeleine :: 11:52 AM [+] ::
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So I wasn't so happy a very short while ago. I guess I just get my hopes up too often. But pessimistic Madeleine isn't much fun either. But I watched the end of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and suddenly everything became much better. At least I'm not CRAZY? or perhaps I really am. Oh well. I'm not in the rain with a cat to say the least.
So good news! Dad is going to present a paper in Dallas, so we all may go down to Texas with him!! Drop him off and go to College Station!! YEA!!! I hope so. That is certainly a bright spot in my day. That and the love calculator with Neil Young. And my good paper. And India Palace for dinner. I guess it wasn't so bad. I just missed Eric. It's going to be a long summer. Maybe a great summer. I just can't wait to see everyone!! And hopefully see Mala in Chicago and Rohini in Dallas and all the CS people. Splendid.
Sleep time for me. Three more days of classes! Anyway, I hope everyone has a great week, because you all deserve it. Really. *Hugs from Madeleine* Farewell and goodnight.
:: Madeleine :: 1:45 AM [+] ::
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:: Monday, May 06, 2002 ::
Oh and guess what I got on my paper on India? That's right, 100%. Lenny Rules!!
:: Madeleine :: 6:01 PM [+] ::
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courtesy of
lovecalculator.com
:: Madeleine :: 6:00 PM [+] ::
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Love Calculator results--
These are the results of the calculations by Dr. Love:
Madeleine Baker & Neil Young: 96 %
Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between Madeleine Baker and Neil Young has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.
:: Madeleine :: 5:59 PM [+] ::
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